I need to be exposed to gamma radiation, bit by a radioactive spider or go on an archaeological dig to a newly discovered ancient tomb that is surrounded by warding signs in a language that no one living speaks, and may well be extra-terrestrial in origin.
Those mediums are apparently the most reliable methods of acquiring super powers. Which I have determined, after lengthy study, I need.
Superpower A: Time Stopping.
This power will be used to have more time with the boys and my lovely partner. "But they'll be frozen in time SRD!" you cry. Indeed they would be. So some creativity will be required. But I think I can iron this out.
Power will also be used to get more work done, both at work and at home. No time to finish that report? Frozen time! Drywalling still not done after three weeks? Frozen! Dishes are piling up again? Flash frozen clock!
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, sleeping. Nothing says "ultimate power in the universe" like a well rested SRD. The rest of the world can remain frozen in time while I catch just a few more hours of sleep.
Superpower B: Splitting Yourself Into Many Copies
Too much work? Not any more. There is very little that twenty of me can't accomplish. Hold down six full time jobs, take care of the kids, finish my writing projects, take a nap, go out to dinner with my lovely wife, see four movies, finish the basement and have time to just relax with a good book, a cup of coffee, a glass of wine with cheese, some beer with nachos, alone and with a hundred friends - all before dinner.
Superpower C: Controlling Reality
For everything else.
Now, the harsh reality is that I don't have these superpowers - yet. In the meantime, I will have to be content with my very minor superpowers.
Very Minor Superpower I: Turning Into a Horse / Wolf / The Hulk
Thanks largely to Bug's imagination, I have the ability to mimic the sounds and general demeanours of a wide variety of opponents in his battles, friends in his adventures and allies in his stories. The sheer number of persona that I have unlocked is staggering, and grows by the day. Of course, this ability appears to be infecting the boys as well. G has discovered his inner "Zombie Monster Baby!" and Bug is, of late, Sheriff Marshall Ship Captain Bug. White hat, laser gun and cool sword included.
Very Minor Superpower II: Making Frozen Things Hot
Thanks to the miracle of the oven, and at the urging of my sons, I have the ability to take a frozen lump, completely inedible in its current state, and in a mere 22 - 24 minutes, turn it into a tasty Pepperoni pizza, with extra cheese! SHAZAM! Of course, the inevitable clean up of pizza sauce from G's face makes for some interesting times, as well as some dramatic and deeply personal performance art.
Very Minor Superpower III: Causing Laughter
Whether through falling down while playing "chase" or tickling sensitive bellies, I have unlocked the power of laughter, and a mighty weapon it is indeed. There is no sound in the world as full of sheer joy and as satisfying, as the sound of my boys both laughing with me. Now if only I could capture that sound for all time!
So until that spider comes along, or that bolt of lightning strikes, I guess I'll just have to be happy with my meager abilities. And a big thanks to the universe for that.